9 Mile Realizations

9 miles. I ran 9 miles on Saturday.

In addition to running 9 miles, I took a little over a minute off of my mile. I guess my interval training is working! I had a TERRIBLE charlie horse in the last mile which killed my pace. I thought it’d take me 2:40:00 to finish and it only took me 2:30:26. Almost 10 minutes faster? That’s CRAZY talk.

Real Talk – how fly is my shirt?

I had some realizations during my run though…

A playlist isn’t just music for me. I realized that for some of the songs, I liked the feeling they gave me or the memory associated with them just as much, if not more, than the song itself. I have 20 songs on my Playlist (still need more) and these 5 are just a sampling of what goes through my head while running:

• Numb/Encore by Jay Z and Linkin Park – my brother coached a HS Soccer team and they always played this song as they were warming up. I automatically associate the song with athletics now, but I realized I also associate it with my brother, who inspires me. He blew his Achilles out over a year ago in a boot camp that required surgery. He is now training for his level 3 Krav Maga test. When this song starts I think about how he’s a father of 3, a coach for two teams, a best-friend and brother to me, a business man, etc., and still finds time to train.

• Till I Collapse by Eminem – I added this song to my playlist in 2012, but it only recently came to truly inspire me. I was running at Dresden Park in 2012 with Alicia and Kevin. I wanted to stop and then this song came on. I found my pace and rhythm and actually ran my first mile without stopping while this song was on. Now, it reminds me of that day. It reminds me that I can run without stopping. I am capable.

• Get Ur Freak On by Missy Elliot – An old friend of my mine from childhood, Brit, posted a video on FB and tagged me. She told me I inspired her. And that, in turn, inspires me. This video, and in turn song, makes me want to be more, be better, train harder. Because like it says, this girl can.

• Run This Town/Posthumus Zone – Jay Z, Rihanna, & E.S. Posthumus – My girl, Powers, suggested this song to me. She’s an incredible Prosecutor and spends her days getting justice for people that have been murdered. She makes the world a little bit safer. Despite how busy she is, she always has time to talk. She’s the reason I’m signed up for the half marathon. She pushed me. She insisted. She made me question myself. My ability. My reasons. My “no.” Her persistence got me back on track. (She’s good at arguing – imagine that.) She’s a hell of a friend. She’s the friend that sent me a text exactly one year from my miscarriage/D&C and just told me she loved me and we were in her thoughts. That was it. She knew it was the 2nd hardest day of my life. She’s always believed in me, and that, in turn, makes me believe in me. I think about her when this song comes on.

• Bangarang (feat. Sirah) by Skrillex – Now, this song is utter noise and I would never listen to it outside of my run, BUT – my HS Math teacher suggested it when I asked for good songs to run to on FB. My HS Math teacher that recently beat cancer after at least 6 rounds of chemo. I mean, if that’s not inspiration, what is? When my legs feel tired and I want to quit, I think about the fact that she beat cancer less than 8 weeks ago and is back hitting the pavement. What’s my excuse?

Does your playlist have more than just music on it, too?

I realized that I really sold myself short when I weighed 200lbs. I didn’t appreciate how hard I had worked to be the athlete I had become. The countless hours of training. The two a days. The strict discipline. The dedication and mindset. I met every “You’ve lost so much weight” and “You biked how far?” with “Not enough.”

Don’t get me wrong, while I appreciate this current body and what it is capable of doing, I don’t necessarily like it for mechanical reasons. I am just now realizing that I can do a lot more than I think I can. I mean, a lot more. I get inside of my own head and psych myself out. I say no without even considering what might happen if just say yes.

I have always used my weight as a fitness excuse, at 325lbs and 200lbs. I did not think I could do a half marathon at my fittest, despite everyone telling me I could. I honestly thought I was too fat, too slow, too lousy of a runner, too everything I shouldn’t be to be a half marathon finisher. I had never run further than 7 miles (and only did that once) simply because I didn’t believe I could. Well, now I believe I can.

As I wrapped up my 9 miles on Saturday, I realized that every single one of my readers on here is a cheerleader. My cheerleader and my inspiration. I realized that I will actually complete a half marathon…even if I weigh 245lbs. Because I am a fat runner and that’s okay.