Fresh Starts

Tie my shoes. Fight the dog off. Retie my shoes.

Open the front door and take a deep breath.

Stretch.

Start my running playlist.

I can do this. 

Mile One: it was fine. Yes, I was definitely slower than my 12 minute mile pace. Okay, I was a lot slower. Whatever. It’s fine. Check my phone and I’ve only gone .78 miles. Shit.

Mile Two: I get outside of my neighborhood. I’m running on a main road. For the first time I’m actually nervous while running. I’m convinced people are watching me. Judging me. Laughing at me. I was pulling at my shirt, trying to make sure it stayed down over my fat pack. I was wildly insecure.  I was walking when there were lots of cars so they didn’t see me struggle to keep my slow ass pace. It was the most self aware I think I’ve ever been while running. 47.6lbs of pure self awareness.

Mile Three: The one song I need to push me through any “wall” comes on. Eminem’s “Till I Collapse”:

I find my own comfortable pace and settle in. Yo left, yo left, yo left right left.  I jog up the hills. I press repeat. Yo left, yo left, yo left right left.

Mile Four: Mostly uphill. I’m tired. I’m dragging. I’m struggling. I’m not giving up. I remind myself that I am not giving up. I remind myself that I am an athlete. I remind myself that I have run further. I remind myself that I have biked further. I remind myself that I will go further. Yo left, yo left, yo left right left. I stop worrying about my shirt and start focusing on my breathing. I focus on taking deep breaths deep into my belly instead of superficial chest breaths that require more energy.

Mile Five: I’m out of the park and back on the main road. Running toward home. I glance at my time and see how much I’d slowed down during mile 4 so I pick it back up. I ignore the cars. I run with my head held high. I think about all the smart ass responses I’ll give if anyone says anything to me. No one does. Which is almost too bad. I had some real gems.

I hit the front door feeling more accomplished than ever.

My splits were: Mile 1: 16:49; Mile 2: 17:12; Mile 3: 17:18; Mile 4: 18:56; Mile 5: 18:07

My overall pace was 17:46min/mile. Yes, it’s 05:46 slower than my best. But, it’s a start.

Running with an additional 47.6lbs is extremely difficult. In fact, I have never run at my current weight. I never picked up running until I was 233lbs. I weighed 222.8 at my first 5k (I have all my daily weigh-ins going back to Jan 2012 – don’t judge me).  I honestly don’t think I realized how much weight I gained back until this run. Until I pushed my body again.

Another start, a clean, fresh start, is Weight Watchers. My dad asked me if I’d go with him and I’m a Daddy’s Girl. I promptly went home and signed up. I lost 2.8lbs my first week back – like a boss! They asked me if I wanted to pick up where I left off in my journey or if I wanted a new weight loss log. I chose the new book. A clean slate. A fresh start.